We live in a world that tells us our worth is based on other people’s approval of us.

This fear can stop us from doing small things that we enjoy; but is most destructive when we are not our true selves or don’t go after the dreams in our hearts.

We spend our time shrinking ourselves into a form we believe will make those around us happy; never realizing just how entangled in the process we’ve become…

I personally know this fear very well.

My story is that until my cancer diagnosis, I was completely paralyzed by the fear of what everybody else thought about me (you can watch my full story HERE).

It consumed my thoughts.

It was my primary driver when it came to making decisions.

It was a cage that kept me from being honest with myself, about what I wanted to do, & who I wanted to be in the world.

I desperately wanted to live my bigger, braver life, but I couldn’t.

We cannot do meaningful, creative or visionary work if our primary motivation is to make people like us or think highly of us.

We must go through the process of un-entangling ourselves & get internally free.

HOW TO OVERCOME THE FEAR OF OTHER’S OPINIONS – 

1. Investigate your thought patterns

Can you be specific about what you are worried about others judging you for?

We all have a unique, negative script in our mind.

Are you worried they’ll think you’re… arrogant; lazy; dumb; ugly; fat; unintelligent; a bad mother; horrible friend…

What specifically are your current thought patterns?

Write them all down.

The truth is, we can often be projecting our own unresolved pain onto others.

We are so scared that others are going to think ___________ of us, because on an unconscious level, we think it of ourselves. 

All of us have created beliefs about ourselves (positive & negative) from our interpretations of past experiences.

When we haven’t investigated these beliefs (ie. found an awareness of what they are, where they come from), they guide all our life’s decisions & focus.

Awareness is the first step of this process.

2. Switch your focus

Anxiety often comes from focusing on the wrong thing.

Even though it is fear & insecurity drive, the fear of other’s opinions is essentially a mindset pattern where we are focusing on ourselves.

By switching the focus of our minds, we can become grounded in a present moment.

• Focus on serving – How can you best serve & help those around you? 

How can you best serve & help those around you?

This shifts your focus to think about those around you.

In the context of public speaking, you can become obsessed about what everyone is going to think of your speech (which will make you crazy nervous!), or you can become obsessed about how you can help & be of the greatest service to the audience.

• Focus on something that scares you more. 

This was the blessing within the cancer diagnosis for me.

I was confronted with a reality that was more scary that other people’s opinions – what if this was the end of my life & I had never at least tried to go after my dreams?

Regret is scarier than judgement.

3. Give yourself permission

When we are paralyzed by fear of other people’s opinions, we are usually not living out our true desires, creativity & dreams.

Often we become obsessed with someone else’s approval because we believe somehow that their approval will give us permission to be who we really are or to chase after the dream.

The truth is you are the only person who can give you permission.

We spend our whole lives waiting; for an opportunity; or someone to recognize our potential; or someone’s encouragement or approval.

But the power of permission was always only with ourselves.

Give yourself permission today, to be who you really are; to change; to pivot; to chase the dream; to put your creativity out in the world; to fail; to succeed…

4. Identify who’s opinion you’re actually scared of.

When we are scared of “everyones” judgement, the truth is we are usually only scared of a handful of people.

You probably know who this handful of people are.

They are the faces & names that come into your mind when you think about showing up differently in the world.

From a psychological perspective, we take on our interactions with our close loved ones (parents, mentors or friends), & generalize their opinions & perspectives, to the rest of the word.

Then we say we’re scared that “everybody” will think ____________ of us.

The truth is we’re actually scared that ____________ will think that of us.

And they probably already do.

And you know they already do, which is why you’re so scared to take a step forward out of the box they have put you in.

But because they probably already think that of you, now the power of the fear is taken away.

The worst has already happened.

What you feared is already in reality.

So now what are you going to do about it?

5. Assign Responsibility & Find Safety

So these few people (we identified above) have negative opinions & judgements about you…

Does that make it true?

Does it mean they’re right about you?

Or is that actually a reflection upon them & their unresolved issues?

The truth is some people, because of their own past & issues, are very hurtful & even toxic in our lives.

But until we wake up to stop blaming ourselves, or finding reasons we are responsible, we are never empowered to move forward.

Other people’s negative reactions to you, are their responsibility.

But if they’ve proven in the past that they consistently react negatively, why do you think it’s going to be different “this time”?

As you take steps forward to show up fully as yourself in the world, you may need to consider a ‘safety’ plan to deal with these specific individuals:

What do you need to do to feel emotionally safe if they react negatively?

Maybe it’s not sharing the details of your plans, or talking about certain topics, or creative a support team you can lean on when things don’t go well.

Many of us spend our whole lives chasing the approval of someone that is incapable of giving it. 

We are so entangled in this chase that it depletes our whole lives… we don’t show up as our true selves, we don’t purse our creativity & dreams, & we don’t take a stand for what matters most to us.

6. Its your job to educate, not learn.

When you are creating something new, or transforming into a new identity, you are the visionary of the changes.

You cannot expect everyone else around you to instantly be up to speed with all the new.

We need to give others around us time to catch up to the new changes.

We all have set ideas of who each person around us is & how they interact with the world.

When someone breaks out of that, it is confronting to our psychological reality.

And sometimes, if this change is only in seed form, they cannot initally see it.

So don’t give your seed to others & expect them to see the vision of the tree & help it grow – that’s your responsibility.

Your job is to educate those around you of what the seed really is.

It may take multiple times of convincing, it may take longer than you would like, but eventually those around you will just accept the changes as normality.

First they’ll ask you why you did it? then later they’ll ask you how you did it?

Mahatma Ghandi said it this way:

“First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.”

This is the process of building any vision or creative work.

That’s why if you enter the process looking for everyone’s approval, you won’t make it through the first stage.

Overcoming the fear of other’s opinions is possible.

Once we go through the process of un-entangling ourselves from negative thought patterns, the hurt of the past & toxic relationships, we can find internal freedom.

With this freedom we are then able to show up fully as ourselves, and create meaningful & visionary work in the world that is of service to others.

The post How To Stop Worrying About What Others Think Of You appeared first on Sarah Boyd.

It is the capacity to see something, & transform it into something beautiful and meaningful.

Creativity does not only include painting, writing, or making things;

it is also the seed idea that births businesses & ministries;

it’s also the inspiration that makes your house a home for your family;

it is also the vision that drives companies & individuals.

Creativity is a powerful, driving force behind everything meaningful in this world.

And yet so many of us, disqualify ourselves from engaging in this life-giving experience.

We believe that only some people are ‘creative’, & we fit into the category of those that are ‘not’.

The truth is creativity lies within every one of us.

The expression may look different, but the experience is the same.

You may have never considered yourself to be ‘creative’ before, but what if you are wrong?

What if locked inside of you is a visionary, an innovator, a creator… but you’ve never given it permission to come out?

Many times we are unaware that we are not living out our greatest creative expression.

The symptoms of the un-lived creative life, don’t seem obvious, or necessarily directly linked. 

But creativity is not dormant.

If creativity is repressed, it will find other ways of being expressed. 

Sometimes it’s expressed through a constant experience of fear, anxiety or even depression;

Sometimes it’s expressed through self-destructive behaviors such as addictions;

Sometimes it’s expressed through comparison or jealousy, about what everyone else is doing.

Brene Brown says it this way,

“Unused creativity is not benign. It metastasizes. It turns into grief, rage, judgement, sorrow, shame. We are creative beings. We are by nature creative. It get’s lost along the way. It get’s shamed out of us.”

Creativity is not something we can ‘make happen’, but rather it is returning to our natural state.

Therefore, in order to experience flow we must identify & remove the blockages to creativity.

BLOCKS TO CREATIVE FLOW –

1. Negative Emotions

Negative emotions such as fear or doubt are a significant block to creative flow.

Many people falsely believe that pain & emotional suffering will result in greater creativity.

While it is true that creativity can transform pain into something meaningful & beautiful; chasing these negative experiences will only result in a short-lived creative journey.

We cannot receive insight or ideas, when we are stressed & upset.

Studies show that we need to be in a certain physical state, in order to access insight or creativity.

While measuring individual’s brain wave activity, neuroscientists are able to predict up to 8 seconds before, when an individual is going to have a moment of insight or creative break-through. 

This prediction is based on the presence of ‘alpha’ brain waves.

An ‘alpha brain wave state’ is when we are relaxed, but still awake.

They are present when you’re daydreaming, practicing mindfulness meditation, in the shower, or after aerobic exercise.

Therefore if we want to get into creative flow, we must prioritize activities that help us remove negativity & get into a good emotional state. 

2. Lack of Personal Responsibility

Taking personal responsibility is the only way to access your creative flow.

It can often be difficult to identify if you are taking personal responsibility.

Many people who are blocked creatively believe themselves to be a very ‘responsible’ person.

They are the nice one; the one doing the ‘right thing’; the loyal one; the one putting everyone else’s needs before their own.

They are also the ones self-sacrificing their own dreams.

And they have been doing this for so long that they either feel lost within themselves, or they find an underlying bitterness towards the people they have been sacrificing for.

Ask yourself – Who have you been blaming that you’re unable to life your creative life?

You are not serving anyone by allowing the gifts & ideas to remain dormant within.

We must take personal responsibility & redefine what ‘serving the world’ really means.

3. Un-investigated Personal Identity

Our personal identity – who we believe we are in the world – is unconsciously defined for us by our family of origin & our past life experiences.

If we had early experiences that shamed our creative expression, we quickly learn to hide & push away that expression.

In the same way, if we experience success through a certain way of being in the world, it can also develop a strong personal identity.

Once we have developed a strong personal identity, it can be very difficult to imagine ourselves as anything else.

But what if all of your previous ideas about yourself & your identity were wrong?

What if they have limited you into a version of yourself that is caged from greater possibilities in life?

What if there is a meaningful, unique contribution you’re supposed to make in this world, but it is locked inside of you by your old identity?

Stephen Pressfield, in ‘The War of Art’ says:

“Our job in this life is not to shape ourselves into some ideal we imagine we ought to be, but to find out who we already are and become it.”

We must take the time to investigate who we really are.

What inspires you?

What lights you up?

What crazy dreams did you have as a child that you’ve forgotten about?

Every unique and meaningful contribution we will make in the world will be born of creativity. 

Rather than disqualifying ourselves from this experience, we each have a personal responsibility to remove blocks so we can access creative flow.

What ideas, art, businesses, innovations, or creations will be birthed, because you personally had the courage to allow them to be expressed?

The post Releasing Creativity – Removing Blocks & Entering Flow appeared first on Sarah Boyd.

This is a slightly different type of article than I would usually write.

Normally I write about leadership, resilience, the brain, our psychology…

I help entrepreneurs & leaders deal with stress & pressure so that they can access external success without exploding internally. 

And I’m deeply passionate about my work. 

I have done a lot of study in psychology & neuroscience (a Masters in Educational Psychology & a Diploma of Neuroscience of Leadership) & I’ve always been very interested in what makes people tick.

But the truth is, this is (not by itself) what has inspired my work.

What has inspired my work is my personal story.

Like many others, I have walked through some very dark days.

I know what it’s like to encounter unexpected, painful & unfair life events.

I know what it’s like to have one day define the rest of your life.

I will never forget the day I was diagnosed with cancer.

It will forever stay in my memory as one of my most surreal & challenging days.

But it’s the time – the days, weeks, months, years that get to you.

It’s the ongoing & relentless hits of life that attempt to destroy our confidence & courage, and cause us to question our purpose. 

This one Friday morning in November began a 6 year long journey that didn’t just end with my cancer diagnosis & treatment.

I walked through multiple unexpected life events that put my life on hold & almost ended me in a wheelchair.

I want to share my story in the hope that it will inspire courage in the heart of another; that it is possible to navigate unexpected, painful life events, & still rise out the other side. 

I want to encourage others that internal freedom is a possibility, & that external success doesn’t have to mean that your internal life is eaten away by anxiety & overwhelm.

I want to inspire others that there are resources, tool & strategies that work, to help you deal with pain & challenge in a healthy way.

So that the stress & trauma you’ve gone through could actually become a gift – a catalyst for growth & transformation. 

It doesn’t take much to guess that you have also probably walked through some very dark days.

Although the specifics of our stories may be different, one thing I have learnt is – pain is pain.

No matter how it comes into our lives, it knocks the wind out of you.

As a society we’re not taught how to deal with pain, so the only thing we know to do, is to run away from it.

But I’ve discovered the power of facing our pain.

Because of what I’ve gone through, I believe that there’s beauty, meaning & hope even in dark places.

The post My Story… How I Turned Trauma Into Growth & Transformation appeared first on Sarah Boyd.

No matter what challenges and situations we have to deal with, when you can see an end in sight, most of us are able to muster up the courage, strength and resilience to meet the challenge head on.

But what happens when the situation is ongoing…chronic… or life long…

A legal battle that has no end in sight.

Personal pain or health challenges.

A negative relationship that is remaining in your life long term.

It’s easy to loose our strength and give up when we have to deal with negativity long enough.

And us ‘giving up’ can come in many different forms: 

• Compromising our values
• Emotional disassociation or disengagement
• Leaving the situation prematurely
• Addiction behaviours – alcohol, spending, eating
• Slowly shrinking our dreams & getting stuck in mundane life
• ‘Victim’ mentality and blaming everyone else for what we’re facing
• Helpful actions that you may be procrastinating

While it is true that dealing with an ongoing negative situation requires different mental & emotional strategies, the truth is it is possible to face them with courage, resilience and depth.

WHAT TO DO WITH A NEVER ENDING NEGATIVE SITUATION 

Start by identifying how you might be disassociating or emotionally running away from the situation. 

It’s different for all of us as we all have a ‘go-to’ strategy.

Yes the situation is probably unfair. Yes the situation is causing much strain. But running away from it isn’t going to fix it.

Most of the time it just adds other layers of problems to deal with as the activities we use to ‘run away’ almost always become dysfunctional in our life.

Are there actions you can take, wisdom you can learn, that might help the situation, that you’ve been putting off?

Take the courage and face your fears.

This may seem like the opposite of the first point but intentionally deciding to take short breaks, is different from unconsciously running away.

Rather than waiting for the relief that comes when the situation ends, take some intentional breaks. 

Plan a holiday; a weekend away; a day of activities you love.

Happiness research has found that the very act of having a holiday planned and booked into our calendar significantly increases our sense of happiness and well being, almost more than the holiday itself.

During these ‘breaks’, try to refrain from talking about or obsessing over the issues that are weighing you down.

It’s really easy during negative situations, to compare your life with other people who are not dealing with the same situation. 

We all do it at times – “They’ve got it easy compared to me… Why did this happen to me… etc. etc.”

This is a really unhelpful mental strategy, because even though it may even be true, it is not going to help you mentally.

Focus instead on the progress you’ve already made & what you’ve got to look forward to in the future.

When you do this, you activate a part of the brain that actually dampens down the stress response in your body.

Reframing your thinking, looking for the positive in the negative, having gratitude & keeping perspective actually physically change the stress response in your brain & body. 

Pain (physical & emotional) has a way of making time slow down, while everything within us wants to run away from it. 

Sometimes this change in our sense of time actually harms us with ‘feeling’ like it’s going on forever, when in fact it will ALWAYS come to an end.

Trust that truth, even when your feelings don’t line up with it.

Although you may find yourself in unfair & negative situations that seem unending, by engaging helpful mental strategies (rather than unhelpful) we can find the strength, courage & depth to continue to face the situation.

The post What To Do With An Unfair, Negative Situation That Won’t Go Away appeared first on Sarah Boyd.